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Feelgood Health Email Consultations by Licensed Psychologists Online Counseling For a Healthy Mind in a Healthy Body
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Approved Counselor for Feelgood Health clients! From the end of September 2006, Feelgood Health will no longer be directly offering online counseling services. However, we have negotiated with Nellie Prinsloo, a Clinical Psychologist and online counselor, who will be happy to review all your counseling requests. Nellie comes with many years of experience in private practice and can be contacted at www.onlinetherapist.co.za.
Every month we publish a few selected questions answered by Nellie, choosing topics that commonly present themselves in online counseling. While the email consultations to clients are obviously longer and more comprehensive, here are some short examples of some of the problems that Nellie commonly deals with. Read more about Nellie at the bottom of the page. Question Nellie Replies It is hard to feel isolated from the people that you love and care for and you will have to look at the things that you can control – the choices that you have about how you want to deal with your children’s behavior. Being busy is certainly a reality that we all can confirm and weeks just fly by and maybe the whole situation is just that they are busy with living their lives. When we have a rushed week we often crave a quiet and peaceful weekend where you don’t have to keep to any schedule. Ask your kids if there is anything that you can do to help them out – maybe you can pick the kids up from school or maybe you can help with homework or getting them to their activities. The problem is that you can invite but they have the choice to accept and to participate!If you are feeling lonely look at your own life and see if you can fill it with other things or other people. Maybe they need someone at your local hospital to read stories to the kids or may be they need a volunteer to help at the church. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your kids are the only ones that can keep the loneliness locked away; you have to organize yourself as well. Try to go out and get involve in activities where you can meet other people and where you can build some friendships. Being without a partner or kids at home can be very lonely but you have to focus what you can change about your life instead of what the kids will have to do to change your life. You have no conrol over their thoughts, emotions and actions but you have control over the choices that you exercise. Good luck Question Nellie Replies When two people who love one another get married, they take their own opinions, lesson from the past, fear and hopes into the relationship and the "hard" work about married life, is to be able to compromise and meet at the place where both feel at peace with the result. I see that you are fighting to have the ultimate authority as well as discipline and parenting and it have become a win-loose situation. The sad reality is that both of you are loosing – you are loosing the ability to really communicate, to have respect for one another and to feel comfortable with each other’s personalities! No person will accept absolute authority from another person – we all want to make our own decisions and be able to exercise our own choices. We certainly do not want to live someone else’s life and we certainly want to be able to question and discuss certain decisions that another has made. When we differ about decisions, we have to discuss, negotiate and compromise until both feel happy with the decision and the discussion did not ruin the relationship. I understand that there are crisis situations when two people might have different ideas about how to deal with it and ultimately one person must make a decision and act upon it but these occasions are rare and should be the exception and not the rule!Parents often fight about the discipline and parenting of their children and you will both need to be patient, listen to each other and try to understand why the other one is thinking about parenting in this manner. No one is right and one wrong – we differ in parenting because of our personalities and the lessons from our own lives. You will never convince her to do things completely your way and she will never convince you to do things completely her way. It would just not feel comfortable wearing someone else’s shoes! I am sure your ideas as well as your wife’s ideas have validity and in combination could be the ideal way to parent your son. If you want her to see and experience your love for her and your son you have to show it in the way that makes sense to her. When people feel uncomfortable with the behavior of another person, they are certainly not going to feel loved! Will you feel loved and protected if your boss is on your case all the time and fire you because it is for your own best interest and because he cares about you? You have to reconsider the way that you do show love and caring! Question Nellie Replies Such is the way that we differ as individuals! First of all you have to ask yourself whether this behavior of your husband is consistent - does he forget important dates involving other people? If he does, then you have to accept that his behavior does not reflect on his feelings for you! This is just who he is - dates and occasions are just not important but that does not mean that he cares little or nothing for you. He does not equate love with remembering important dates!If however, he remembers all the important dates regarding other people, you have reason to feel upset with him. You can then schedule some quiet time to talk with him about this. Show him that he usually remembers other important dates and occasions yet he forgets the special occasions regarding you. Tell him how much it will mean to you if he remembers and makes an effort. Ask him what you can do to make it easy for him to remember these dates and occasions. The bummer is that we can not change the way that people think, feel or behave. We can request change but not demand it. You also have to ask yourself if this is important enough to drive the marriage to the edge. Are you willing to divorce him because he does not deem dates and gifts important? Could you not take the gap and buy a wonderful present for yourself, give him a huge hug and kiss and present him with the bill? Going into power struggles about who is right and who is wrong is counterproductive and does not help the marriage to grow. Both of you will feel that you are right and the other one wrong and both will feel that the other one should change and thus you are stuck! Remember that neither of you married one another to change but you married one another because you loved certain traits in one another. You did not marry your husband because he was good at remembering dates and special occasions. You married him for a lot more special qualities. Try to focus on the qualities that made you fall in love with him and try and find the common ground again. Question Nellie Replies Hi There,If you have the answer to your last question, you will be a very rich man indeed! Girls want different things because they are all different individuals. They also want what men want; someone that can love them and share their lives with them, have fun with them and be quiet with them - it all depends on what is happening in their lives. Sometimes they are ready for fun and a carefree existence and sometimes they want marriage, a picket-fenced house and children. The thing with dating is that you have to be yourself. If you try things that you read in magazines, you are going to feel awkward and your date is going to react to that. Best be yourself and wait for someone that can appreciate you for the special, unique individual that you are! Dr Leo Buscaglia describes the dilemma of trying to be who you think the other person wants you to be.. He says if an apple-lover comes along, you turn into an apple, if a grape-lover comes along you turn into a grape and if a banana-lover comes along you turn into a banana and end up as a banana-split! You will have to relax and wait for the right person that can appreciate the special treatment and flowers. See the journey of finding a girlfriend as an adventure that may take you into safe harbours, stormy seas or just calm waters. Out of every encounter, you learn something about yourself and other people. The journey will take its own time and progress at its own pace and the only thing that you have to do is to show up and use every opportunity that comes your way! Question Nellie Replies
Hi,
My daughter is 16 and used to carry a little puppy fat. For the past 6 months she has been exersising every day and playing squash 5 times a week and she eats only salad and drinks bottles and bottles of water. She is so thin I can feel her shoulder bones when I hug her but she says she is healthy and needs to lose more weight and I am being overprotected. I am so worried, do you think she has anarexia? Marion. Nellie Replies
Hi Marion,
Anxiety
Weakness
Loss of at least 3 consecutive menstrual periods
Brittle and dull skin
Shortness of breath
Obsessive behaviour re calorie intake
They often enjoy cooking or feeding others
They might keep food such as chocolates in their cupboards
They move their food around on a plate instead of eating it
It is important for you to take your daughter to a doctor and or psychologist for assessment and help. Don't think that if she eats all the problems will go away - there are many underlying issues that need to be dealt with. In the event of further queries, please do not hesitate to contact me. Hello there - I hope you can help. I am a mother of two teenage girls and their father and I are divorced. They like to spend time at the local mall and will hand around there for hours with friends if allowed - day and night. I really don't like it and something in my gut tells me that it is not good, but I have no proof that there are any problems. I believe that there are drug problems and my girls get very angry with me if I even suggest that they shouldn't go. I really don't want them to be exposed to bad influences. Things are so different these days - am I being too old fashioned? Nellie Replies Hi, Our teenage children often feel that we have out-dated ideas and rules and only when they need something from you (love, a lift or money) will they tell you that you are a wonderful parent with their best interests at heart! The problem is that you cannot protect your child from all the evil in the world. You are most probably right in assuming that your daughters can get in contact with drugs at the mall, but they can get in contact with drugs at school, at trusted friends and in your own home. The challenge is not to keep them safely at home and trying to control the environment for them. The challenge is to empower them to deal with these situations wherever they are! Talk to them about their choices and how to deal if they are offered any drugs. Help them to identify their strengths and vulnerabilities and how to protect themselves when they are in a vulnerable situation. This being said; that does not mean that you must not have any rules. Of course you are allowed to refuse for them to go out at certain times to certain places but keep in mind that they also need to have meaningful relationships within their peer group. Allow them to negotiate with you. Negotiate time spend at the mall and when. You can for instance ask them to meet the friends that they will be with – that will be your condition on letting them go. How and where you meet them is up to them. Be consistent in your boundaries. If they keep to it, they have more freedom, if they ignore it, they have less freedom. It all depends on their behavior! It will help them to focus on their action and behaviour instead of on your action that they perceive as controlling! Good Luck and please visit my website www.onlinetherapist.co.za for more advice, Nellie Problem Dear counselor, sometimes I can't stand it when my baby cries and I honestly feel like throwing her against the wall. I feel like such a bad mother but she hardly sleeps and I have to work in the morning with hardly any sleep and it just goes on and on. My friend said I should give her panado or cough medicine to help her sleep but I am not sure because she is only 4 mths old. Would it be OK or what else should I do? Nellie Replies Hi, I have absolute real understanding for the frustration and despair that one can feel in situations like this. My son suffered from severe colic and wanting your child to stop crying at all cost is does not make you a monster or bad mother! In fact, you are showing signs of a wonderful mother and responsible parent by asking the question and trying to get help for the problem. Panado and cough medicine is not the answer since you then swap one problem for another and it could end with serious consequences! Why is your baby crying, is he ill, uncomfortable or in need of love and nurturing? The first step is to determine the cause of his crying and if the crying is appropriate or not. Please visit your pediatrician or family doctor to help you determine this. Once you have the answer you can visit the Feelgood Health website to find a herbal remedy for the problem. Dealing with the crying of your baby lies in your thoughts and the choices that you exercise and not in trying to prevent him from crying. If you believe that you can absolutely not stand the crying, then that will be your reality. Your whole mind and body will then be focused on avoiding the crying and will result in you feeling more out of control since you cannot control that. If you believe that you can deal with the crying because you are in control of your thoughts and thus your emotions and actions, you will be able to handle the crying in a better manner. I used to say to myself that I am older and stronger than my baby and therefore I can and will endure the crying for a longer period than he can cry! Once I took control of my thoughts and changed my expectations, I could endure!You have choices in how to deal with the situation and not necessarily about the situation. It is important to control the things that you can – your own thoughts and actions and not try to control other people’s behavior. For more advice on how to change your own thoughts and actions, please visit my website www.onlinetherapist.co.za . Nellie Problem: I have reached a point in my marriage where I feel I have had enough after nearly 8 years. The two months have been a downward spiral and I can hardly bear the thought of the next 20 years together. I love my wife with all my heart, we have a 2 year old daughter and I will do anything to keep our marriage together. However, we seem to argue about every little thing - in fact there is little that we agree about these days. Things used to be good for us and I really don't know what happened. My wife feels like some stranger - what can we do? Dave Nellie Replies: Hi Dave, We often hear that marriage is hard work and we often feel that we are prepared to do just that. Unfortunately when a marriage is in crises, we often do not know what to do. The famous hard work in marriages is my opinion is nothing but communication. It is hard especially to open up to your partner when there is emotional distance between you but that is exactly the time to buckle down and talk with each other.
Ask yourself and your wife what happened two months ago to set things in motion towards a downward spiral? Try to not get distracted by the superficial things that cause arguments and power struggles but try to get to the real emotions – for instance; don’t fight about who is eating all the bread if the real issue is a lack of respect and consideration. Don’t try to discuss the marriage on the run – make some time where the two of you can peacefully discuss the problems without outside interference.
Dave you have to find out what is still bounding the two of you; what is holding you together and what is causing stress and strain. Remember that trying to find the way to a solution is not through accusations but by reaching out in compassion and a willingness to understand the other person’s point of view. Try to explain what you are feeling and experiencing and the effects that it has on you. Try to communicate your expectations of your wife as well as the concessions that you will make. Try to find a compromise. Spend some time with yourself to verbalize your feelings, experiences and problems so that you can effectively communicate this to your wife. Ask her to help you find a solution for something that you care about very much!
Good luck and warmest regards,
Nellie Problem: Last night I listened to my husbands voice mail and there was a msg from a woman who said 'Thanks for a lovely lunch I miss you already'. I asked my husband what he had had for lunch that day and he said a sandwich in the office. I feel so afraid to say anything. Once before this happened with an sms and I ended up saying sorry because he said I was mad and jealous and he would leave me so I just dropped it. Please help me with a way to speak to him so that we can work this out without fighting?? Thanks so much, Sandi. Nellie Replies: Hi Sandi, First of all you have to trust your gut feelings – you know within what is going on! It sounds as if your husband wants to pretend that nothing is wrong but are you willing to do that?! You have no control over your husbands actions, emotions or thoughts but you have control over how you want to deal with the situation! You have to talk with him about your concerns.
Tell him that you want to discuss something very important to you with him and ask him when it will be convenient to do so. Do not discuss this when either one of you is already upset and stressed but try to find a time and place that will enhance a peaceful and constructive discussion. Tell him what concerns you and how it makes you feel and ask him to help you understand these messages. Do not allow him to distract you from the point of discussion but be persistent about how you feel and about what you need for him. Do not accuse him of any thing but ask him to explain the message and then react to what you’ve heard.
Sandi you need to realize that your husband will probably react in the same way that he reacted before – that is his way to deal with the situation. You can not get him to calm down and co-operate. You can only calm yourself and be honest and straightforward in your communication. If the discussion ends up in conflict that is out of control, tell your husband that both of you need a breather and arrange a time when the discussion will resume and walk out of the situation. Don’t leave without telling him that you want to resolve the problem and that you are just taking a break in order to calm down. Stress the importance of the marriage but also let him know that ignoring the issue will not make it go away and that you want to discuss it in order to solve it.
Good luck and warmest regards,
Nellie Problem: Hello, I am writing this in the hope that you will help me. I have been working for the same company for three years and my boss has always been 'overfriendly' if you know what I mean. It makes me feel so uncomfortable because he passes remarks about my breasts and he does things like squeeze my shoulder when he talks to me - often all in a jokey kind of way. I always kind of half laugh along but I feel so awful inside. Once I told him I didn't like it and he was quite rude and said I was being stupid and he meant nothing and couldn't understand why I was so oversensitive when he was just being friendly. He was then very sarcastic for a while but he didn't stop. I wish I could stop work but I can't and he is the boss so I have no one to complain to. Help!!!! Nellie Replies: It is clear that you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place! You need your job and the income yet you feel extremely uncomfortable in your work environment! You need to look at the choices that you have in this matter – what can you do to help yourself cope with the situation. Is it a small company and you really have no one else to talk to or do you just feel that you are stuck and can’t do anything about it? If it is a bigger company, I suggest that you talk with someone in a position of authority to start a paper trail. However, you need to speak to your boss again. When we confront people it is important to be assertive but not aggressive or passive. Put your complaint in writing and keep a copy to yourself. Don’t be vague but be specific and straight forward, tell him what about his behaviour is inappropriate and how it makes you feel. Do not back down! Tell him that you understand that his manner with people is informal and affectionate but your personality is such that you need your personal space and you do not appreciate him touching you or remarking on your body. Ask him to respect and make allowances for your personality just as you make allowances for his. Tell him that even if his intentions are different, his behaviour feels invasive and you are uncomfortable with it. If you put this on paper (email or formal letter by registered post if the company is small), he knows and you know that you are serious about the problem and are willing to take it further. Know your rights, what are the labour laws in your country and what steps can you take if you need to? Don’t laugh it off!!!! If you are serious about him stopping his offensive behaviour, you need to be serious in your response! When you laugh or make light of it, so will he. You are in control of your response and if your response gives a double message, he will be able to treat the situation in a light and disregarding manner. It is important that you relay the message that his behavior is unacceptable to you and that you are serious and willing to take it further!
Problem:
Hi! :-) When I was a teenager (from 15) I had a relationship with a man who was nearly 40 in fact he was a teacher at my school (but not my teacher) We saw each other without anyone knowing for more than 2 yrs and we were really close - he wasnt like the boys of my age who I thought were stupid. After I left school we lost touch after a while and were fighting quite a lot too - and then I moved to another town. The trouble is that I am 25 years old now and I havent had a real b/f since then and not because the guys don't ask - they do. Somehow its just one date and then I feel I cant face seeing them again even if they are good looking and etc. I had sex with this man when I was at school and we were real close in all ways and I keep wondering if I must find him again although we stopped seeing each for reasons of incompatibility of interests and because he wouldnt go out with me and I wanted more than that. What can I do to move on and be like a normal person of my age - date, have fun, etc? Thanks for your time, Mandy.
Nellie Replies:
Hi Mandy,
It seems like you have two issues at hand. Firstly, you have unresolved feelings and thoughts about the relationship with your teacher and secondly you have a problem with committing to a relationship.Your relationship at 15 with a man of 40 would be considered in most countries as statutory rape or sexual molestation. You were emotionally young and vulnerable and as such he took advantage of the situation even though it felt OK and right at the time. He was in a position of authority and trust and he created a situation of expectancy and commitment that he had no control over since you were a minor and not in a position to make independent choices. It is clear that you feel responsible for the break-up of the relationship and that you have unfinished business regarding the relationship. Mandy your needs at the time were not the problem, the problem is that this teacher engaged you in an abusive (emotional and physical) relationship and left you feeling inadequate and needy! You need to seek counseling immediately for this so that you can heal – remember that you are not the problem – the relationship was the problem. It could well be that your inability to commit in subsequent relationships comes from this relationship. The fault does not lie within you, it stems from abuse and trauma!
Problem.
I have suffered from what I would call minor depression most of my life (54 yrs). My mother was severely depressed all her life. I also have suffered with something most would call laziness and perhaps that is all it is. I just don't seem to have very much drive to get task completed. But, perhaps an even greater problem may have something to do with this condition. I have just started taking your product (focus). I always feel that I going 100mph inside and try to keep up with that feeling on the outside. I have trouble staying on task until completed mostly because I am moving so fast that I don't stop and think. I just move on to something else because I have so much to do. I tell myself several times a day that I have so much to do. I avoid starting task because I fear it will take too long to complete so I just never begin. I let fear control me a lot. For example, I will avoid looking at my bank account for fear that I will see that I don't have as much money as I thought. After all these years of knowing this fear and moving too fast were a problem I have finally realized that I must do something because it is can you give me any advice. Diana
Nellie Replies:
Dear Diana, It seems to me that you are anxious all the time and that you trying to accomplish something without knowing what it is that you want to accomplish and what it is that others expect of you! The restlessness that you feel inside is probably the anxiety that you feel.
Diana living your life in fear is absolutely all consuming and you will feel out of control all the time if you try to control your environment. Do you know what the definition of fear is? Fear is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL! In order to overcome your fears, you need to do some soul-searching and challenge the beliefs that create the fear. Remember all emotions start as a thought in your head! Therefore real control is making choices about the way that you want to deal with certain life situations.
Let’s look at your fear of not being able to complete something:
Remember Diana, living life is not about avoiding challenges, mistakes and pain. Living life is all about taking risks despite mistakes and pain! Understanding your fears and facing it is the only way that you can overcome it. I would also recommend that you use Mindsoothe and Pure Calm rather than Focus as this will help you to deal with the anxiety and the restlessness more effectively.
Warmest regards,
Nellie
Problem.
Allan is just 15 and
has severe learning disabilities, which were first
noticed at junior school. There has never been a
real consensus on his problem (from the many
doctors, teachers, counselors over the years), but
all have agreed that he does have one!
Nellie Replies:
Hi Steven,
As a parent one feels just so helpless when your child has a difficult life! The problem is that there could be a combination of factors at play at the moment. His recent problems could be because of his own feelings of helplessness and hopelessness with his learning disabilities. This behavior could be the result of Depression, Drugs, personality disorders and even physical causes. When was the last time that he was medically and emotionally evaluated by an expert? These symptoms could be unrelated to the old problems and a new situation in itself.
Steven although you have probably done this before, I think the starting point would be a physical evaluation with brain scans and blood tests. We can simply not help you or him by guessing the causes and treatment plans. After the physical examination Allen needs to be evaluated intellectually as well as emotionally by a psychologist. Only once all the results are in, can all the experts involved come to a consensus about how to deal with him. I think it is important to monitor his mood-swings carefully – before, during and after in order to determine possible causes.
If the school environment is contributing to his decline in general functioning, you will have to look at other options such as smaller school or home schooling clinics or centre. Have a look at the things in his home and school environment that keeps him calm and evaluate what it is that helps him to function at his best. Be methodical in eliminating things and situations that aggravates him and those that do not.
It is furthermore important to look at coping skills for you as the parents – the hardest thing for any parent is to come to terms with your child’s incompetence or destructive behavior. The most difficult thing for anyone is to accept that they have no control over the behavior, emotions and thoughts of others and even though a parent will be willing to do anything for a child – the best thing that you can do at times, is to learn to live with the behavior and problems of your child. You can live your life to the best of your ability and your child can live his life to the best of his ability. Please contact me via my website for further assistance for you. Unfortunately, this is one of those problems that cannot be assessed via email and Allen will have to be evaluated face to face. I can only assist you as the parent of a child with special needs and special problems!
Warmest regards,
Nellie
Problem.
My problem is my husband who is cheating on me. I know this for a fact. He is involved with other women and has impregnated one woman. He is not supporting me and the children financially, although he earns well. Although I must use my earnings to support the family (including feeding him), he will not give me any money towards household expenses and refuses to tell me how much he earns. We have three children. I have tried involving his parents and they were also not be able to get through to him. When I said I would leave him he cried and promised we would change things. He refused to come with me to a counsellor because he said our love would conquer all. Things were better for a few weeks and then we were back to 'normal'.
He does not talk to me. He always comes home very late and will not tell me even if he goes away on business. This problem started last year after he got a new job after three years of studying where I was supporting him financially.
I still love him and do not want to take away my children's father. I try everything to make him happy according to our culture (Xhosa). But I cannot live like this. What do I do? Thandi
Nellie replies:
Dear Thandi,
You cannot change your husband or his behavior – your power lies in making a decision about how you want to deal with the situation. One person cannot make a relationship work. If you want to stay in the marriage you will have to realize that your husband might never change and ask yourself if you could live with that? Thandi, you need to be very specific in communicating your needs and expectations to your husband. Urge him to go for therapy because both of you need to grow and be happy and content in the marriage. Ask him to meet you halfway in healing the relationship. However, if he doesn’t change and you stay in the relationship, you need to change the way that you think about and deal with the situation. You need to ask yourself a few questions:
What made you fall in love with your husband and are those qualities still there? What is it that keeps you in the marriage? What is it that you expect of the marriage and your husband – it sound as if you are angry because he is not contributing financially towards his family. Secondly, you are angry because he is cheating and lives his own life without consideration of you and your needs. Ask yourself: What do I need and what can I do to make my life happy and give me a sense of peace – remember that none of these answers should have anything to do with changing your husband or his behavior (his behavior, emotions and thoughts are not within your control). Unfortunately Thandi, loving someone is often not enough to make a relationship work – both parties need to commit, take responsibility and be involved in the relationship! Remember, the fact that he is uninvolved is not your fault, he is the only one that can change that!
Warmest regards, Nellie
Problem.
Please can you help me to understand what is going on. I have been married to a wonderful man for 8 years. He supports me in everything I do. I don't have to work. I am comfortable in my home. I have 2 lovely children who are at school in the morning (one is pre-school , one is grade 1) and at home with me in the afternoon. I should be happy, but inside I just feel like nothing is worth it. Sometimes I cry for nothing, other times I shout and behave like a ridiculous person for nothing. I have thought maybe I should have an affair, but how can that help? I also start to drink every day - not much but it seems to get me through. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with what I have and be grateful? Sometimes I feel so angry with myself! Cindy
Nellie Replies:
Hi Cindy, It sounds as if you find your life very boring and you seem to feel unhappy and frustrated without being able to identify the exact cause of the frustration. You obviously feel very hopeless and out of control, this causes stress and then you take alcohol to reduce the stress and then the whole spiral starts again with added quilt feelings about the drinking. Cindy you need to take a look at your life, your needs, frustrations and your expectations. What is it that you want from life? Don’t look at what it is that you should be grateful about, but look hard at what do you need and what do you want? What will make you feel whole as a person and will bring a feeling of peace and calm? Apart from being a wife and mother, what do you need to give your life meaning? You have to be truthful and honest with yourself- beating about the bush will just not do it. As for having an affair – how will that give meaning to your life? I think that it will only complicate matters more and make you feel more miserable about your life and yourself and add confusion. Cindy, every person is at some stage on a quest to find meaning in their life – we all want to know why we are here and what is the purpose to our existence? This answer lies within – you have to create the quite time and ask (and answer) these difficult life questions. You have the answers inside!! Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s search for meaning might give you some insights into some of the questions that you have.
Warmest regards, Nellie
Problem: Nellie replies: Hi Marlene, Raising kids is difficult at the best of times but when you feel that your child is out of control, unfortunately your life can become a misery! All children need boundaries and although your child does not need to feel as if he is in a military camp, it is important that he knows exactly what the boundaries are and what will happen should he ignore these boundaries. He probably senses your discomfort and embarrassment and then he knows he can play-up and twist your arm to get what he wants. Marlene, you have to take control in the situation even though you might feel some embarrassment. I personally feel that an exact mirror image often has the best effect. You mirror your son’s behavior (but full out!!!!!) and then you ask him if he likes / enjoys what he is seeing and ask him what happens with him when you do this. You then explain to him that this is what he looks like and this is what you feel like, when he acts-out. Put down your shopping and forget about your surroundings - people who know you will understand and the opinion of others are simply not important. Remember that you are the adult and ANYTHING that he can dish out, you can endure and better! For instance: You can listen for a longer period of time to his screams than he can scream for! He acts out especially in public places because he already knows that he can get away with this behavior because you are probably reluctant to act and only wish for the situation to disappear. When you keep quiet, try to avoid embarrassment and try to stay out of the spotlight in public, you give your son your power. Your control lies in deciding how to deal with the situation instead of trying to avoid the situation! Marlene the fact that you are the only person that he acts-out with indicates that he feels in control when he is with you. Children are unique human beings and you have to try different things till you find a method that works for both you and him. The golden rule is to be consistent in your rules, behavior and the threats. Don’t threaten with anything that you cannot carry through with!!! Don’t despair; parenting is at best trial and error! In the event of any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me through me website www.onlinetherapist.co.za Warmest Regards, Nellie Question: Hi there, Im a 33 yr single female who requires some of your assistance. Yesterday a penny dropped. I really want to settle and get married and have children - I really do. So, I have set myself up in a situation where recently I am getting to meet quite a couple of men for coffee or drinks - with the aim of getting to know them better. Quite plutonic interactions I might add. However, it seems that once I get to know them a bit better I loose interest and withdraw from communicating further. There is nothing monumental wrong with them but I always seem to find a quality of theirs which will enable me to exit through the back door. And these people are usually lawyers or succesful business men - they seem to like me but then I move on? It is not fair for me to be doing this to them - yet I cannot understand my reasoning behind this action. In the past I have been engaged twice and ended both engagements quite rightfully (the first had an office affair and we had been together 5 years, the second was abusive during our 3 years together). Now, my question is this, why is it that if I really am wanting to settle then how come am I not getting anywhere? Am I wanting a connection which will be electric and then I will only know and be convinced? I do like my independance too, Do you think I have problems with commitment??? Zelda Nellie replies: Hi Zelda, You are the only one that can answer these questions. There could be a trillion different reasons why you criticize these men and break up with them. It may well be that your mind is ready for a relationship but your body and heart still fear the pain of disappointment and loosing someone that you care for! It seems to me as if you are wrestling with your intellect and your emotions. Zelda, you have to go within and find the answers. Find a quiet spot and time where no-one will disturb you and then reflect on the following:
Zelda, spend some time and listen to your inner voice – you have the answers inside and once you have defined it, you can set about dealing with it. Your mind is telling you that it is time to settle down but your heart is afraid and finds reasons for you to not put it to the test! Part of relationships is to allow yourself to trust yourself and others and often these two things are the most difficult! Good luck and do not hesitate to contact me should you need more assistance! Warmest regards, Nellie Question: I am concerned about me and my fiancee's relationship and we plan on getting married next year but i want things to change before that happens. Well.. hes only 20 this year and i will be 19 next month and we have a 3month old baby girl Kylie. We never had a good relationship to start off with, i have cheated on him a few times now, that he know of. And actually we had split up a year ago and i started to see this other guy and the whole time being pregnant i had a concern of this baby being that other guys but now that we now its ians i think things have changed alot since i was pregnant, he was so mean to me and treated me like a piece of shit. And now its not that were phyical with eachother were not even a couple we dont talk or touch anymore. He never thinks about me, hed rather spend his holidays on his family then me, hes not taking the day off work but he will for his family stuff. It hurts me because i work hard to i have a baby to take care of and look at all her needs and wants that i dont see myn anymore. Me and Ian are slowly drifting off, we havet said we loved eachother in so long i just dotn know what to do anymore i feel like im useless to him. Im hurt and we cant talk, hes so controlling i cant even do anyhting for my self without him freaking out that he cant do the same thing, for example i just had a baby so i have a little baby fat that i want to get rid of and i would like to go to the gym and work on my self a little bit but he gets so mad at me i dont even bother, what should i do? please help SHIRLEY Nellie Replies:
Hi Shirley, You sound really angry
with Ian and your life at the moment and I am not too sure what
it is that you want from him? It sounds as if you have little
respect for him and you feel that he doesn't have any respect
for you - so ask yourself this: Is this the type of relationship
that you want? Why do you want to get married if the two of you
have so little in common?
Your relationship has a lot of problematic issues such as: You haven't been faithful to him currently there is no physical relationship between the two of you. Intimacy (physical as well as emotional) is very important in a relationship but any relationship must be build on trust and that is the next thing lacking in the relationship. Neither one of you trust the other or the relationship. The last thing that the relationship lacks, is the communication that is necessary to help heal the relationship and solve the problems. Shirley, you blame Ian for the breakdown of the relationship and for the sadness and hurt that you are experiencing but you will have to look at your contribution to the problems in the relationship and take responsibility for it. It is extremely hard to make a relationship with problems work at the best of times and having a small baby to take care of, must stress you out to no end and cause a lot of anxiety in your life! It sounds as if you are also having a hard time coping with the baby and feel as if you just don't have the skills to cope with everything. Try to make use of any support systems to help you especially with the baby. Both of you will need individual as well as couple therapy to deal with all the stress in you lives as well as the stress in the relationship and therefore I want you to please contact a therapist in your area or contact me on my website www.onlinetherapist.co.za for further help.
Warmest Regards,
Nellie
Question: i have
abandonment issues which i believe stems from being sent to
boarding school at twelve. being a country boy in australia
you are expected to be strong and to not show emotions so i
buried them deep inside me. in recent years these problems
have re surfaced as i have started to have have meaningful
relationships, but the problem surfaces as a clingy needy
beast and i feel that if i dont have my partners full
undivided attention, then they must be about to leave me. i
know this is not true as i have recently become engaged, but
these feelings still rear their ugly head. the problem with
this is that i smother my partner which i feel is very
unfair as everybody needs space!! the other feeling that
this problem causes is a feeling of low self esteem. i would
just need some effective strategies to help me deal with
these srategies. please help me !! SID
Nellie Replies:
Hi Sid, The problem with childhood issues is that we still experience the exact same emotions that you experienced as a child when similar situations appear in our lives, not withstanding the fact that we are all grown up! Thus the emotions often don't make sense because we think we have it all sorted out in our minds - the problem is that we have not integrated the heart and the mind re this issue. Every time you are in an important relationship the same fears will haunt you even though your mind tells you something different! You will have to really look at the abandonment fears and look for the answers inside with honesty even though it may bring other emotions to the surface! Try working through the following questions:
1. Who do you blame for the
abandonment and fear that you experienced when you went to
boarding school - your parents or family or the boys at
boarding school?
2. What was the real fear
that you experienced - e.g., ridicule, loneliness, lack of
love or rejection?
3. How did this fear make
you feel and is that feeling absolutely true -e.g.: I felt
unloved. Is it absolutely true that I was unloved?
4. What will I be without
that fear and who will I be today if that fear is true
today?
5. Is that fear helping you
in any way - think hard before you say no. Every fear or
action (positive and negative) helps us in some way. If you
find out how it helps you, you can replace it with something
that is serving you more and helps you to be more true to
yourself.
Sid, fear starts like
everything else as a though in our own minds and the
definition of fear is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL!! If
you change the way that you look at the fear (e.g. your
beliefs and perception of it) you can change your behavior.
Good luck with the quest for truth and please contact me on
my website
www.onlinetherapist.co.za for more assistance.
Warmest regards
Nellie
Question: I AM A MOTHER OF A SON 21YRS & DAUGHTER 19YRS. WAS DIVORCED WHEN THEY WERE ONLY3&6RELATIONSHIPS IN BETWEEN.MY DAUGHTER HAS ALWAYS BEEN DISRUPTIVE OUTBURSTS OF SHOUTING WHEN NOT GETTING HER OWN WAY. SHE BECAME MOODIER AS GOT OLDER&LEFT HOME AT 16 WITH BOYFRIEND NOT LONG AFTER SHE SLAPPED ME AROUND FACE! SINCE SHE LEFT THERE HAVE BEEN OUTBURSTS OF HER BACKWARDS&FORWARDS- WE SEEMED TO GET ON BETTER THEN,SHE HAS FINALLY MOVED BACK COMPLETELY &HAS BEEN SINCE MARCH THIS YEAR.THINGS WERE OK FOR A WHILE BUT OVER LAST FEW MONTHS SHE USES ABUSIVE VILE LANGUAGE WHEN SHE WANTS HER OWN WAY DEMANDS EVERYTHING. SHE HAS NOW ONLY A PART TIME JOB AS SHE LEFT HER FULL TIME ONE DUE TO NOT GETTING ON WITH A MEMBER OF STAFF.-AM AT A LOSS-CAN YOU HELP?? PAT
Nellie replies: Hi Pat, Why are you putting up with this abusive behavior? Analyze your own feelings and determine the source of your feelings and reasons for your actions. Do you feel guilty about the divorce, her leaving home or her inability to maintain relationships? Are you afraid she well walk away again if you set some boundaries? Pat remember, this is your home and your rules - she can choose to co-operate and obey the rules or she can deal with the consequences! You have no control over her behavior but can only make choices that serve you! You have to decide what behavior is acceptable and what behavior will not be tolerated and the consequences for that behavior. When you make decisions about the consequences, only threaten with action that you can follow through! Maybe you can suggest that she consults with a psychologist about her anger management and relationship issues but you can not solve this for her. Waiting for her to change or acquire insight, is a futile exercise at this stage since this is her pattern of functioning at present. Remember your life can only get better with your own actions - if you wait for changes within her before you can live your life, you could put your life on hold for a long time. There is a possibility that she will leave your house as soon as you set the boundaries but you have to determine the pro's and con's of maintaining the status quo. Pat you can only take charge of your own life! Good luck! In the event of needing further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me on www.onlinetherapist.co.za Warmest Regards, Nellie
Question: I am a mother of a one year old son. My problem is that my husband is almost not available at all (He is a full time missionary) nor was he helpful during the whole first year of the baby. I sought help and found it available at my parents' home. It ended up that I am staying there all the time. I am also sick with a certain illness and medics said I shall not be subject to any stress or sleeplessness. So, my parents always took my son to sleep with them during the night and thus, he got used to their patterns. For example, he sleeps very late and doesn't want to sleep in his bed but beside them. He is also very noisy and active at night and can never sleep alone. When I take him home, I suffer and feel facing the responsibility alone which makes me terrified to do that. In addition, he stays most of his time with my parents and me and so, he is not used to his father as he is to us. I really need to know what shall I do. Fiona
Nellie replies: Dear Fiona, being a mother of a small baby is exhausting at the best of times! Mothers are often riddled with uncertainties and plagued with self-doubt (it is only in the Hollywood where they know exactly what to do and have this perfect relationship with their babies?!). Although it may not feel like it at this time, you are the expert on your child's needs as well as your own needs! Fiona it seems like a few issues are at play here: 1. It sounds as if you feel isolated at your own home and thus you spend more time with your parents. 2. You have to find out when your husband will join you or visa versa and reflect on the status of the marriage and your needs. It is important that you communicate your thoughts and feelings to your husband in order for the two of you to come to a decision about where and how you should live your life. 3. If you are going to be alone most of the time, why don't you consider a nanny / au pair whom will help you take care of your child. The problem is that you have to get used to him and he to you. The longer you postpone, the more unsure and insecure you will feel, he will pick-up on your emotions and a whole chain of events can be set in motion that can escalate your feelings of not coping. There is not a right and a wrong way to go about raising a child - every parent-child relationship is unique and therefore you will know best what you can and cannot do. Spend some time alone with your son during the day so that you can get used to him and do not have to fear the nights. Babies are usually in need of a routine and you are the only one that can set a routine that will fit in your life and environment. Remember: a journey of a thousand miles starts beneath one's feet! 4. One more thing: you might be depressed - please consult with your local physician or Click Here to read more about our natural remedies for depression. In the event of needing more assistance, contact me at www.onlinetherapist.co.za Warmest Regards, Nellie
Question: I have been married for 16 years now and with the same man for 20 years. He is very controlling with me and our two boys. Only one of which is his, he adopted my first son before our second was born. We walk around on egg shells wondering when he will blow up next. I am unable to tell him anything in fear of him freaking out. We really don't have a relationship as husband and wife. He feels like my father. I am unable to leave him due to financial reasons. I don't work and have no money at all, I was told to start putting money away and get all my debts paid off then make the move out of here. Does this sound realistic? Phillipa
Nellie replies: Hi Phillipa, It is always a good idea to be financially independent and paying off your debts will certainly help you a lot. However, if you are married in community of property or with accrual, you are liable for half of your husbands debts and he is liable for half of your debts under South African law. Unfortunately it is not enough to just put money away in order to leave him. How will you sustain yourself and your children? The best way to be financially independent is to find a job or create your own income such as selling things or baking for a home industry or anything that you can do that people will be able to use. When you can fend for yourself and your children financially, then you can walk out of the marriage.
In what way is your husband controlling? Does he physically or emotionally abuse you or your children? Is he verbally abusive? Phillipa, if he poses a physically threat to you, you have to take action and protect yourself and your children immediately! If this is the situation at your home you have to identify your support systems, get information from a local community organization such as POWA (People opposing women's abuse) on what to do and where to go and tell the people closest to you what is going on. If you are physically abused, please contact me on my website: www.onlinetherapist.co.za for further information. If your husband's controlling behavior is more intimidating in nature, you can learn to stand up for yourself. Any form of intimidation starts with your perceptions, fear and thoughts of him in your own mind and therefore you can change the way that you think and ultimately feel. As long as he sees you as "less than" him or you see him as "more than" you, he will be in power and able to control you. If you can change the way that you think of him and the situation, you will be able to be assertive and be your own woman. Every person has strong aspects to their personality. We often forget or ignore this and in the process disempower ourselves. Phillipa, the other alternative is to go for marital counseling and see if you can save and heal the marriage. Giving the marriage one more change to survive is not going to take away anything from you unless the marriage is violent and abusive - in which case you must consider leaving it. Search within to find the right answer to your problem, you have the inner wisdom to make choices that will serve you best! Warmest Regards, Nellie Question: I'm a 33 year old woman and really need your advice. I am goodlooking, fun, have alot of friends and no money worries, but I suffer from horribly low self esteem which is most obvious when it comes to my realtionships. My longest relationship so far is 6 years. Since then, I've had meaningless flings, a couple of one night stands and a 2 year with a divorcee that ended last year. I have recently joined an internet dating site and got on particularly well with 2 men prior to meeting. The first I communicated with for a month by phone/e mail/text. When we finally met, we had a very passionate weekend together, and I honestly thought we'd be togther. He said after the weekend that he didn't think the chemistry was right and he became very distant. I was so hurt and unhappy as a result that I went on anti depressants. The excat same thing has just happened again with another man. What is wrong with me? Do you think they pick up onb the self esteem problem or am I just u nattractive to men? I am so confused and so sad. Please help. Colleen
Nellie replies: Building a positive self-esteem depends 70% on what you say to yourself and how you talk about yourself. A positive self-esteem is learned. No baby is born with a positive self-esteem or a positive self-image but we acquire these traits by the way that we condition ourselves. Colleen you can be all and more than you desire by checking and changing your beliefs, fears and perceptions. You have (probably because of past experiences) came to the conclusion that you cannot maintain relationships and that something is wrong with you. When you get involved with someone, you most probably bring those fears, thoughts and perceptions into the relationship and the anxiety that it causes, introduces stress in the relationship. You said yourself that you are good-looking, fun and have lost of friends and you have already had a significant and long relationship. That is an awesome platform to start a journey from!
Colleen one of the most common problems in new relationships is that people do not identify what it is that they expect of the relationship and they do not tell each other what they expect from the other person and the relationship. What was it that you expected of the weekend and what did the other person expect from the weekend and was this not the problem? You have to discover, own and appreciate your own worth, beauty and wisdom. You have to be you and try to gather people around you that can love and honor you for who you are. If you try to change into someone that you think someone else wants, you will loose yourself. Leo Buscaglia described this dilemma in one of his talks as: "When an apple lover comes along, you turn into an apple, when a pear lover comes along, you turn into a pear. When a banana lover comes along, you turn into a banana and end up as a banana split" Colleen try to identify what it is that you want in a relationship and why and then look with a fresh outlook at the candidates! The failure is not in trying and not succeeding, the failure is in never trying at all!! You have been brave, don't withdraw because of failed expectations. Check your expectation, the validity of it and check if it is realistic for the situation and circumstances! Redefine that and you will already feel more in control of your life! In the event of more questions, contact me via my website www.onlinetherapist.co.za
Warmest Regards, Nellie Question: 'I have been going out with this guy for about 5 years and he says he loves me but somehow I don't feel it. I am 29 years old and put everything into the relationship. I would like to get married and start a fa |
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